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Pita ucitelica Pericu: Koje je vreme kupujem,kupujes,kupuje,kupujemo? Perica: Vreme rasprodaje ,uciteljice!!!

B1: Posalji

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PITA FATA MUJU MUJO OCES DA TI SKUHAM JAJA ZA VECERU A MUJO CE OZBILJNO OCES DA JA TEBI SISU ISCUPAM

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B1: Posalji

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B1: Posalji

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Zdravo Pero, kad si jutros stigao kuci iz lumperajke? Oko 5 sati!. A ¹ta ti je rekla ¾ena ? NI©TA, ONA JE DO©LA OKO 6!!!!!!

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Zdravo Pero, kad jutros stigao kuci iz lumperajke? Oko 5 sati!. A ¹ta ti je rekla ¾ena ? NI©TA, ONA JE DO©LA OKO 6!!!!!!

B1: Posalji

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Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are assembled in a large room. One of them is Moishe Cohen, a Jewish Parisian who was born in Tunisia. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programlanguage to leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Moishe Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try." Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave.Another 2000 people go. Moishe Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay ? What can happen to me?" Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave.500 people remove themselves. Moishe Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Moishe Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but -have I got anything to lose?" He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian." Calmly Moishe Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Barouch ata Adonai." The other candidate answers: "Elohaynou melekh ha'olam.".

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Zasto Papa ima sofera ? Posto je utovario sav Papin prtljag u auto, sofer primeti da Papa stoji vani : - Oprostite, Vasa Svetosti, hocete li uci, pa da krenemo ? - Da, ali meni u Vatikanu nikad ne dopustaju da vozim, danas je bas dobra prilika - Zao mi je, Vasa Svetosti, ali, to ne bih smeo, izgubicu posao. Sta ce biti ako se nesto desi ? - Niko to nece saznati - odgovara Papa sa osmehom Slegnuvsi ramenima, sofer seda pozadi, Papa za volan Ubrzo, sofer se gorko kaje jer Papa prelazi 200 na sat : - Sveti Oce, molim vas, usporite - jauce sofer ; medjutim Papa pocinje da usporava tek kada se zacuo zvuk sirene Zaustavlja se, spusta staklo. Prilazi mu policajac, gleda ga, pozdravlja i vraca se svome motorciklu uzevsi radio : - Halo sefe, zaustavio sam auto koji fura 220 na sat. - Odlicno ! Opali ga da se nauci pameti - Ne ide sefe, ovo je vrlo vazna osoba - Tim bolje - kaze sef - Dobro sefe, ali radi se zaista o vrlo, vrlo vaznoj osobi - Gradonacelnik ? - Vazniji - Poslanik ? - Vazniji - Prvi ministar ? - Jos vazniji - Dobro - veli sef - pa ko je ? - Ja mislim da je Bog - Zasto mislis da je Bog ? - Sefe, sofer mu je Papa !

B1: Posalji

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Jewish dinner at the White House Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest. At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honour of his Arab guests), George W gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," he says to Olmert. "Do the Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

B1: Posalji

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Ako si radisan k'o konj, dobar kao pcelica, vjeran kao pas marljiv k'o mrav... ... idi k veterinaru, da ti izda potvrdu da si magarac.

 - A crnih?

 - A koliko se mesa dobije od jedne ovce ?

Sprema se cura iz provincije na studije u Beograd. Kaze joj brizna majka: ,,Cerko moja, pazi se tamo, ce da te vidi neki mangup, pa ce da ti kaze da si lepa, pa da te izvede u grad , pa u bioskop, pa ce da te odvede kod njega na kafu , pa ce da skoci na tebe..., a ja cu onda da ti umrem, tvoja jadna majka. "
"Dobro mama.''- rece cerka. Posle dva meseca, dolazi cerka prvi put kuci, i kad su ostale same pita je majka: ,,Cero, sta je bilo sa onim sto smo pricali?"
"Jao mama, stvarno je bilo kako si rekla. Dodje jedan, pa mi prica kako sam lepa, pa me izvede u grad, pa u bioskop, pa odosmo kod njega na kafu..."
 " I, i sta je onda bilo?''- pita brizna majka. ''E, onda majko, skocim ja na njega, pa nek umre njegova majka!?''

Tata, sta je to peder? - Ovako, bili ti jednom Haso i ja u cuzi zbog sverca cigara. Bilo nam dosadno pa smo skontali da se kartamo, pa ko dobije, kresne, a ko izgubi, bice kresnut. I tako dobio Haso prvu partiju, a ja se naguzim po dogovoru. Dobio on i drugu, i trecu. E, cetvrtu sam ja dobio i onda Haso kaze: "Meni se vise ne igra". E, vidis, to ti je, sine, peder!

Nazove Kon rabina telefonom i upita ga za savet. Rabin mu rece da bi bilo bolje da dodje licno kod njega kuci radi toga. Ali, kako da vas nadjem - upita Kon. Vrlo jednostavno, ja sam u Dohany ulici br 12. Desnim laktom ukucajte broj 52 na interfonu, udjite u lift i levim laktom pritisnite 5. Kad stignete gore, hodnikom levo i druga vrata pritisnite zvono desnim laktom i tu ste!-objasni rabin. Ali, rebe, zasto moram da sve pritiskam laktovima ? upita Kon. Ej,ej, Kon! Dolazite po savet, pa necete valjda praznih ruku !!!!

Nedeljno jutro. Muz i zena leskare u krevetu. Muz pocne da je miluje, sve nize do butina. Ona se migolji, tegli, - Malo vislje, malo vislje, sapuce ona, Na to muz prestane sa milovanjem. - Sta je bilo, sto si prestao, pita ona - Nasao sam daljnski! Odgovara.

- Doktore pomozite mi ! Imam strasan proliv! - Jeste li probali sa limunom? - Jesam, ali cim ga izvadim opet curi!

U baru, jedan pripiti gospodin se obraca dami: - Izvinite godspodjice ali Vi mi dodjete jedno pice! - Kako, Kako ? - Toliko ste gadni da sam ispustio casu pica kad sam vas video!

Dok dve mlade mame tracuju, devojcica i decko u kolicima razgovaraju: - Ajde dopuzi do mene, kaze devojcica - Necu da puzim do tebe, odgovara decko, - Ajde, DOPUZI ! - Necu ! - Sta je , neznas da tucas? - Znam da tucam, al neznam da puzim ! odgovori decko!

- Zamisli, moj deda je poginuo u Ausvicu! - Strasno!!!!!! - Al` sam je kriv. Napio se i pao je da strazarskog tornja!

U rezervatu Indijanaca u SAD nestalo hrane. Poglavica salje kurira kod Velikog Belog Vodje u Vasington da trazi pomoc. Nakon dve nedelje kurir se vraca i raportira izgladnelom i iznemoglom Poglavici: - Jesi se video sa Velikim Belim Vodjom ? - Jesam ! - I, hoce li pomoci ? - Da, - Kako i kada ? - Rekao je da ce doseliti u rezervat 500 ciganskih porodica! - Pa nesretnice, zar mu nisi rekao da mi nemamo sta da JEDEMO? - Jesam. Rekao je i da im je meso isto kao bizonsko !

Kakva je razlika izmedju pametnog Bosanca i NLO-a? NLO su neki i videli

Kaze Mujo doktoru na samrti: Recite da sam umro od SIDE! Zasto? Zato da mi nakon smrti ne diraju zenu, a oni koji vec jesu, da umru od straha!

Zeni ljubavnik dolazi kuci dok joj je muz na poslu. Njen devetogodisnji sin dodje kuci iznenada, ugleda ih isakrije se u garderobni ormar kako bi ih i dalje posmatrao.
Zenin muz takodje dolazi kuci. Ona trpa ljubavnika u ormar, ne znajuci da joj je sin vec unutra.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Muskarac: - Da, mracno je.
Decak: - Imam fudbalsku loptu.
Muskarac: - To je lepo.
Decak: - Zelis da je kupis?
Muska rac: - Ne, hvala.
Decak: - Moj tata je napolju.
Muskarac: - OK, koliko?
Decak: - 250 EUR

Nakon nekoliko nedelja muskarac i decak se ponovo sretnu u ormaru.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Muskarac: - Da, mracno je.
Decak: - Imam patike za fudbal.
Muskarac -Koliko?
Decak: - 750 EUR
Muskarac: - U redu.

Par dana kasnije, otac kaze sinu:Uzmi loptu i patike za fudbal, idemo da se igramo.

Decak : - Ne mogu, prodao sam loptu i patike
Otac : -Za koliko si ih prodao?
Decak: - Za 1.000 EUR
Otac: - To je grozno, kako si mogao tako da opeljesis svoje prijatelje... to je mnogo vise nego sto te dve stvari stvarno vrede!Sad te vodim u crkvu da se ispovedis!!!

Otac odvede sina u crkvu, udje u ispovedaonicu i zatvori vrata.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Pop: - Ne pocinji mi opet s tim sranjem
 
 
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Buduca profesija
Dve babe pricaju o unucima. - Moj unuk je skroz posizeo. Celu noc sedi ispred kompjutera, kuca po tastaturi, pa nesto prica kompjuteru a telefon stalno zauzet. Nista nece biti od njega.
- Moj ce da bude doktor ili pilot... - Otkud znas? - Pa kad god udjem u njegovu sobu, svuda okolo spricevi a on kaze: "Baba, hajde da letimo!"

Contrary Proverbs 
All good things come to those who wait. BUT Time and tide wait for no man.
The pen is mightier than the sword. BUT Actions speak louder than words.
Wise men think alike. BUT Fools seldom differ.
The best things in life are free . BUT There's no such thing as a free lunch .
Slow and steady wins the race . BUT Time waits for no man .
Look before you leap . BUT Strike while the iron is hot .
Do it well, or not at all. BUT Half a loaf is better than none.
Birds of a feather flock together. BUT Opposites attract.
Don't cross your bridges before you come to them. BUT Forewarned is forearmed.
Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. BUT Faith will move mountains.
Great starts make great finishes. BUT It ain't over 'till it's over.
Practice makes perfect. BUT All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Silence is golden. BUT The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You're never too old to learn. BUT You can't teach an old dog new tricks
What's good for the goose is good for the gander. BUT One man's meat is another man's poison.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. BUT Out of sight, out of mind.
Too many cooks spoil the broth. BUT Many hands make light work.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. BUT Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
 

Odveo Pirocanac devojku u restoran. Dogovaraju se sta ce da jedu.
Kaze Pirocanac devojci: • Hoces da jedemo susi?
Odgovara mu devojka: • Ja cu da jedem s usta, a ti kako hoces.

Seta lav i vidi kravu kako sedi na boru. "Zdravo, kravo, sta radis tu?"
-"Jedem tresnje" odgovara krava.
-"Kako tresnje na boru?"
-"Ponela!", umiljato ce krava.

Dodje covek kod lekara da potrazi savet."Doktore kad god uvece zaspim,pojavi mi se u snu mali zeleni ptatuljak i pita- jesmo li piskili? Ja odgovorim nismo i upisam se u krevet "Doktor ga savetuje" Jednostavno, sledecu noc kada se pojavi mali zeleni patuljak i pita jesmo li piskili odgovorite, jesmo i bice stvar u redu". Covek sav srecan ode kuci, uvece legne da spava. U neko doba pojavi mu se u snu mali zeleni patuljak i pita "jesmo li piskili?" covek odsecno odgovori "Jesmo!" "A, jesmo li kakili?", nastavi patuljak.

Ulove Muji i Haso divljeg vepra. "Sta cemo sad sa njim?" pita Haso."Pravit cemo riblju corbu!"odgovara Mujo.-Kako bolan od vepra?"-"Pa lepo, odgovori Mujo, Kako Srbi od jelena prave pivo!"

Na jednom kibucu u kancelariji sekretarice moze da se procita ova mudrost: -Svaka cigareta skracuje zivot za 10 minuta. Svako pivo skracuje zivot za 20 minuta. Svaki radni dan skracuje zivot za 8 sati!

"Doktore, cini mi se da sam poceo da zaboravljam"..."Od kada?" pita doktor. "Sta od kada?" zacudjeno ce pacijent. 

Kako informaticar hriscanin zavrsava molitvu? "U ime oca i sina i svetoga duha_ ENTER!"

Voze se cetiri informaticara kolima. Kola se najednom pokvare i stanu...Sta cemo sada? Da probamo svi da izadjemo i ponovo udjemo, sta drugo!

Staresina na smotri proziva regrute."Kako se ti zoves?" Pe_pe pe_tar Pe_pe_trovic.
 "Da li ti mucas"? 
"NE, odgovara vojnik, MOJ OTAC JE MUCAO, A MATICAR JE BIO PIJANA BUDALA!

Upita Mujo Fatu:"Fato jesi li slobodna slijedeci ples?"
-"Jesam" odgovara Fata.
-"Mozes mi pridrzati pivu?"

Zavodi Mujo Fatu. "Fato,ljubavi jedina,ja bih za tebe otisao i na kraj svijeta"
 "Mujo, dragi, uzdahne Fata, a hoces li ti meni za ljubav ondje i ostati?"

Dodje Mujo kod doktora i pita ga doktor: "Reci Mujo, shta te muchi?" "Evo, ovako doktore, da ti ispr'cham kako je bilo..." "Ajde, bolan, prichaj!" "Vidi, 'vako: Dosho ja jednoga dana kuchi ranije saposla, udjem ukuchu, kad ono nidje nikog. Pogledam u dnevni - nema nikog, pogledam u kuj'nu - prazno. Mislim, dje mi je moja Fata.... kad se sjetim da pogledam u spavachu. Povirim u spavachu i imam shto vidjet, moj doktore!!!! U nashem krevetu moja Fata i moj jaran Haso! Jebu li se, jebu!!! "I shta je onda bilo?" pita doktor. "Ma, doktore, ja poludio! Ma, nisam znao shta chu, zacrn'lo pred ochima, i ja odem do kuj'ne, uzmem najvechu nozh'nu i krenem prem spavachoj da zakoljem tu kuchku, jebo joj pas mater! Uletim ja u spavachu i dreknem: "Ubichu te kuchko!!!!" Kad skochi Haso i stade predmene i veli: "Chekaj, Mujo, stani!!! Ma, chekaj, bolan, smiri se, ajmo prvo da sjednemo, da popr'chamo, da popijemo kafu!" "Velim ja: Aj, dobro...." Sjedimo mi tako, kafenishemo, i kazhe Haso meni: "Vidi, Mujo, ovakva je stvar: Jes' da se tvoja Fata i ja jebemo, shta jes', jes'. Ali, ako ti sad ubijesh Fatu, shta si, bolan, uradio? Fata che u grob, ti chesh u zatvor, a ja chu lijepo jebavat druge zhenske...." I tako ja ispustio nozh'nu i kontam - ima moj jaran pravo, nema smisla da je ubijem..... "Pa dobro, Mujo, kakve sad to ima veze? Rec' ti meni, shto s' ti kodmene dosho, koji je problem? veli doktor. "Ma, chekaj doktore, da ti ispr'cham dokraja, vidjetchesh da ima veze! Paz' sad ovo: Drugi dan dodjem ja jope' ranije kuchi saposla!!! Udjem ukuchu, kad ono nidje nikog. Pogledam u dnevni - nema nikog, pogledam u kuj'nu - prazno, povirim u spavachu - i imam shto vidjet!!! I jope' u nashem krevetu moja Fata i moj jaran Haso! Jebu li se, jebu!!! Ja nachisto poludim, odem u dnevni, uzmem pishtolj, repetiram, uletim u spavachu i dreknem: "Ubichu te, Haso, nane mi!!!!" Kad skochi Haso i stade predmene i veli: "Chekaj, Mujo, stani!!! Ma, chekaj, bolan, smiri se, ajmo prvo da sjednemo, da popr'chamo, da popijemo kafu!" "Velim ja: Aj, dobro...." Sjedimo mi tako, kafenishemo, i kazhe Haso meni: "Vidi, Mujo, ovakva je stvar: Jes' da se tvoja Fata i ja jebemo, shta jes', jes'. Ali, ako ti sad ubijesh mene, shta si, bolan, uradio? Ja chu u grob, ti chesh u zatvor, a Fata che se lijepo jebavat' s drugima...." I tako ja zakochim pishtolj i kontam - ima moj jaran pravo, nema smisla da ga ubijem..... "Ajme, Mujo, a jesi razvez'o, daj skrati, bolan, i govori u chemu je problem!!!!!" drekne doktor. "Ma, chekaj doktore, da ti ispr'cham dokraja! Paz' sad ovo: Trechi dan dodjem ja jope' ranije kuchi saposla!!! Udjem ukuchu, kad ono nidje nikog. Pogledam u dnevni - nema nikog, pogledam u kuj'nu - prazno, povirim u spavachu - i eto ti u nashem krevetu moja Fata i moj jaran Haso! Jebu li se, jebu!!! Ja nachisto poludim, odem u ostavu, uzmem konop, uletim u spavachu i dreknem: "E, sad mi je dosta! Objes't chu se i gotovo!!!!!" Kad skochi Haso i stade predmene i veli: "Chekaj, Mujo, stani!!! Ma, chekaj, bolan, smiri se, ajmo prvo da sjednemo, da popr'chamo, da popijemo kafu!" "Velim ja: Aj, dobro...." Sjedimo mi tako, kafenishemo, i kazhe Haso meni: "Vidi, Mujo, ovakva je stvar: Jes' da se tvoja Fata i ja jebemo, shta jes', jes'. Ali, ako se ti sad objesish, shta si, bolan, uradio? Ti chesh u grob, a Fata i ja chemo se lijepo idalje jebavat' ...." I tako ja spremim konop nazad i kontam - ima moj jaran pravo, nema smisla..... "Pa, jebo te bog, Mujo, dosta je vishe priche!!!!!" veli doktor. "Daj vishe reci zashto s'ti kodmene dosh'o!!!?" "Pa, eto, doktore, imam neshto slabo srce i visok tlak, pa sam dosh'o da te pitam - smijem li ja da pijem toliko kafe?"

Vozi covek kola. Gluvo doba noci. Odjednom ispred kola iskoci crveni patuljak. Covek jedva zakoci. Izleti iz kola i pocne da vice: - Jesi li normalan? Sta ces na sred puta, mogao sam da te zgazim!... Crveni patuljak: - Ja sam crveni patuljak, peder sam i jako sam gladan. Covek se sazali i ode do kola. Nasao je neki sendvic i dade ga crvenom patuljku pa nastavi da vozi. Noc mirna i dalje. Mesec proviruje kroz oblake. Odjednom ispred kola iskoci zeleni patuljak. Covek jedva zakoci. Izleti iz kola uzdrhtalim glasom kaze: - Pa jesi li normalan? Sta ces na drumu, mogao sam da te zgazim! Zeleni patuljak: - Ja sam zeleni patuljak, peder sam i jako sam zedan. Covek se sazali i ode do kola. Nasao je flasu mineralne vode i dao je zelenom patuljku pa nastavi da vozi. Priroda se utisala. Spava. Samo je on na putu. Odjednom ispred kola iskoci plavi patuljak. Covek jedva zakoci. Izađe iz kola i pomirljivo kaze: - Sve znam. Ti si plavi patuljak i peder si. Sta jos hoces? Plavi patuljak: - Vozacku, saobracajnu i licnu kartu molim.

-Komsija, da li slucajno imate novine od juce? 
-NE,imam danasnje,ali mogu da vam ih ostavim za sutra!

Gri?nja savjesti Mujo je bio danima u bedaku, tolikom bedaku da su mu u glavi odzvanjala dva glasa. Prvi glas je bio opu?ten i tje?io ga je: "Mujo, nema? razloga da bude? neraspolo?en, to je bio samo seks bez emocija. Pazi, nisi ni prvi ni poslednji liječnik koji je opalio svoju pacijentkinju. Uostalom, nema? stalnu vezu pa da mo?e? reći kako si neku prevario. Uostalom, svi liječnici to rade. Opusti se čovječe, te varijante "za jednu noć" su danas potpuno uobičajene." A drugi glas ga je podsjećao: "Mujo, ti si veterinar."

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?" A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

An Israeli recently arrives at London?s Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?" The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

Ka?e Ciga Srbinu: E moj brate, vi Srbi ima da nas Cigane u dupe da ljubite! 
?to? - pita Srbina. 
E, da nema nas Cigana vi Srbi bi bili najgori na svetu!!!!!

Upada Mujo u kuću - kad Fata sa Suljom u krevetu. Vikne: ?ta radi taj idiot u mom krevetu? Ćuda Mujo, ćuda - odgovori Fata.

?eni se Crnogorac Srpkinjom. Otac mu daje savete: Slu?aj vamo, prvo treba puno da ljubi? mladu da vidi da mi Crnogorci znamo da volimo. Drugo, da je puno mazi? i miluje? da vidi da smo mi Crnogorci osećajni. E, onda da se savije? i popu?i? sam sebi, da vidi da smo mi Crnogorci NEZAVISNI.

Vozi se tip motorom, i slučajno spiči vrapca u letu. Bilo mu je ?ao, stao je i video da je vrabac jo? ?iv. Ponese ga kući i stavi u kavez sa malo vode i hleba. Par sati kasnije, kad se vrabac probudio, pogledao je oko sebe i počeo je da se kaje: 
? Re?etke, hleb, voda? zatvor, mora da sam ubio motociklistu!

Kako slonove love:

MATEMATICARI love slonove tako sto odu u Afriku, teraju sve sto nije slon i hvataju jednog koji ostane.

ISKUSNI MATEMATICARI ce pokusati da dokazu postojanje jednog jedinog slona pre nego sto nastave prema 1. koraku kao sporednoj vezbi.

KOMPJUTERSKI STRUCNJACI love slonove prema Algoritmu A:
Otici u Afriku.
Zapoceti od Rta Dobre Nade.
Raditi po uobicajenom nacinu, prelazeci kontinent naizmenicno istocno i zapadno.
Tokom prelaska Uhvatiti svaku zivotinju koju vidis.
Uporediti svaku tu zivotinju sa slonom.
Stati kada je slon uocen.

ISKUSNI PROGRAMERI menjaju Algotiram A stavljajuci poznatog slona u Kairo da osiguraju da ce se algoritam zavrsiti.

ADMINISTRATORI BAZA PODATAKA ne moraju da izlaze napolje da uhvate slona kada ih mogu naci pomocu ad hoc izvestaja:

1 SELECT
* FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
2 WHERE
CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL'
3 AND
SIZE = 'LARGE'
4 AND
COLOR = 'GRAY'
5 AND
TRUNK = 'YES'
6 AND
ODOR IS NOT NULL;

PRODAVCI SOFTVERA posalju brodom prvu stvar koju uhvate i napisu fakturu za slona.

PRODAVCI HARDVERA love zeceve, oboje ih u sivo i prodaju ih kao desktop slonove.

Bili Fata i Mujo na skijanju na Jahorini. Provodili su se sedam dana i doslo je vrijeme da se na hotelskoj recepciji srede racuni. Dijalog recepcionara i Muje: 
R: Koristenje bazena - trideset maraka. 
M: Ali ja uopce nisam koristio bazen, ba, s'o ce mi to? 
R: E, pa mogao si, brate. Dalje.. Koristenje saune - dvadeset maraka. 
M: Sauna? A sto ti je to? 
R: To je ono: para, rucnik... i tako to. 
M: Ali ja nisam koristio tu saunu! 
R: Mogao si. Teniski teren - osamdeset maraka. 
M: Tenis? Cuj, ba, ma ja nikad nisam ni prob'o igrati tenisa! 
R: A, mogao si, covjece! Nocenje, dorucak, sve zajedno ispada 260 maraka. 
M: Evo ti 100 maraka. To je najvise sto cu ti dat!!! 
R: Kako to sad? 
M: Jer si mi jebav'o Fatu. 
R: Ma daj. Fatu? Nisam! 
M: E pa, mog'o si!

Nesto oko pticjeg gripa. Uleti labud u kokosinjac i nasrne da obradjuje kokoske. Kad....uleti u kokosinjac petao i razdere se: Budalo jedna, sta to radis? To su moje koke! Prekini idiote, stoko !!!!! A labud odgovori: Slusaj mamlaze, ako sad padnem ovde mrtav sve ce vas poklati!

As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on: "Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited." "To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay..... and to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home."

Sjedi ljubavni par na klupici i sad, frajer se nahvatao sisa i sve, sad bi čovjek malo zaigrao, jelte. I, ka?e frajer, draga, jel bi tebi smetalo ako bih po?elio udomiti svog prijatelja!? Ka?e ?enska: Opet ti!! Stalno navaljuje?, a već smo 100 puta pričali da nema ni?ta od udomljavanja prije braka. Za?to si dosadan?? Lijepo sam ti rekla da ?elim ostat nevina. Ka?e frajer, paaa, maco, hladno je, prijatelj bi se mogao prehladiti...ajde ga primi samo malo...evo: samo do pola. On ce biti sretan a tebi će sve ostat čitavo. ?enska: Ma ni?t ti ja ne vjerujem.. Frajer: aaaajjjdeeee evo, obećajem, samo do pola. ?enska: Ako je do pola, onda dobro. Ali, samo do pola!! I naguzi se cura, frajer jedva dočekao i uvali ga kolko je dug i ?irok, misleći si: pička ti materina, kolko sam te morao nagovarati... Igra frajer, curi se svidjelo... ?enska: Zna? ?ta, ovo je ludo, ajd ti stavi i drugu polovicu... Frajer: A, ne! DOGOVOR JE DOGOVOR!

10 zapovjedi - te kako su nastale Bog je do?ao do Arapa i rekao: -"Imam zapovjedi za vas koje će vam ?ivote učiniti boljima!" I Arapi pitaju: -"Koje su to zapovjedi?" I Bog im aka?e: -"To su pravila po kojima se ?ivi" -"Mo?emo li čuti primjer tih pravila?" -"Ne ubij." -"Ne ubij? Nismo Zainteresirani." I tako ode Bog crncima i ka?e -"Imam zapovjedi za vas" I crnci su htjeli primjer i gospod im ka?e: -"Po?tuj oca i majku svoju" -"Oca? Pa mi ne znamo tko su nam očevi!" I ode Bog do Meksikanaca i ka?e njima -"Imam zapovjedi za vas" I Meksikanci su htjeli primjer i Gospod im ka?e. -"Ne kradi? Nismo zainteresirani!" Ode Bog do Francuza i ka?e im -"Imam zapovjedi za vas" I Francuzi su htjeli primjer i Gospod im ka?e: -"Ne čini preljuba!" -"Ne čini preljuba? Nismo zainteresirani!" Ode Bog do ?idova i ka?e im -"Imam zapovjedi za vas" -"Zapovjedi? upita?e oni, "Koliko ko?taju?" -"Besplatne su." -"Uzet ćemo 10!"

Sta je to sto danju laje a nocu pliva ? - tastina (ili svekrvina) vestacka vilica !

Pita mali ciga tatu cigu - tata, jel' tako da mi cigani svi navijamo za Zvezdu? Ma nije sine - nismo bas toliki cigani.

Kako plavusa stopira? "Jebi me poveo?"

Q: Sto je to Africki rulet? 
A: Sest crnkinja oko tebe, sve dobro pushe, a samo je jedna kanibal.

?to je rekla plavu?a kad je rodila blizance?  "O,Bo?e tko je drugi otac?"

Zbog bure, let na relaciji Zagreb-Dubrovnik je otkazan. Vodic jedne turisticke agencije je na salteru radio re-booking za svoju povecu grupu nestrpljivih putnika, kada se jedan ljutiti gospodin progurao do saltera. Bacio je svoju kartu na pult i uzviknuo "Ja MORAM biti na ovom letu i to u PRVOJ KLASI". Radnica na salteru je odgovorila "Gospodine, zao mi je, prvo moram napraviti rezervacije za grupu ljudi koja ceka, ako budete strpljivi sigurna sam da cemo vam na neki nacin moci izaci u susret". Ljutiti gospodin nije bio nimalo impresioniran i upitao je "ZNATE LI VI UOPSTE KO SAM JA?". Bez oklevanja, radnica na salteru je uzela mikrofon i rekla "Molim cjenjene posjetitelje Zagrebackog Aerodroma za trenutak paznje. Na terminalu za domace letove imamo putnika koji ne zna ko je. Ukoliko bilo ko moze pomoci u otkrivanju njegovog identiteta, molimo hitno da se javi na salter broj 2". Usred histericnog smjeha putnika koji su cekali u redu, nestrpljivi gospodin je bjesnim glasom dobacio radnici terminala "Jebo te ja", na sto je ona ljubazno odgovorila "Zao mi je gospodine, ali i za to cete trebati pricekati u redu"

Dodje vanzemaljac u nasu galaksiju sretne boga pa ga upita:gde ovde ima ludi provod?Bog mu odgovori:idi na bilo koju planetu osim zemlje.Zasto?upita vanzemaljac.Ma ja sam pre 2000 godina kresnuo neku Mariju a oni i dan danas od toga prave pizdariju.

Stopira Mujo do Zenice kad odjednom prolom oblaka i velika oluja. Gusta kisa. Jadni Mujo ne moze vidjeti ni prst pred okom, kad najednom ugleda svjetla auta. Stane auto, a Mujo bez pitanja uskoci u njega, a u autu nikoga. Polako auto opet krene, Mujo se cudi. Kad ispred njih zavoj i pocne se on moliti od panike. Nije mogao ni mrdnuti od straha, kad najednom pojavi se ruka za volanom i pocne okretati. I tako par zavoja. Mujo vise nije mogao izdrzati strah nego iskoci iz auta i otrci do prvog grada i pravo u kafanu. Naruci Mujo rakiju i pocne pricati ljudima pricu. Vide ljudi sav uplakan, nije ni pijan, mora biti ziva istina. Kad nakon pola sata u istu kafanu udju Huso i Haso (ljuti ko risovi) i vide Muju. Haso ce: "Bolan Huso, eno ga onaj sto nam je uskocio u auto dok smo ga gurali."

Ispoveda se Ciga: -Oce, stvarno nemam nista da ispovedim. Ne pijem, ne zenskarim, a vec poduze vreme cak ni ne kradem.- -Znam sine, znam, ali uskoro ce te pustiti iz zatvora.....

Mujo, je li ti verenica nevina? 
- Pa sta ja znam. Pola sela kaze da je, a pola da nije. 

Ulazi Mujo u kafic i zatekne Hasu kako tuzan sjedi za sankom i pije. Pridje mu i upita ga: - Haso sta ti je? - Ma nista. U junu mi je umrla majka i ostavila mi 10.000 maraka. 
- Uuu, umrla ti majka, nisam znao, moje saucesce. - Zatim mi je u julu umro otac i ostavio mi 15.000 maraka. - I otac ti umro? Zao mi je... - Onda mi u augustu umrla tetka i ostavila mi 20.000 maraka. - Tri clana porodice za tri mjeseca? Mora da ti je tesko. 
- Kako ne bi bilo? Ovog mjeseca nista, ni marke. 

Mujo bio ribolovac a Haso lovac. Veli Haso Muji: - Mani se ti ribolova, dzaba Citav dan pecas i na kraju samo jedna mala ribica... 
Kaze Mujo: - Ma sta, pa juce sam upeco ribu od dvajespet kila! 
Haso kaze: - Nije to nista. Ovo je sezona na zeceve, odem ja da lovim kad izbi iz sume medvjed pa na mene. Sta cu, ubih ga. Kad eto ti sumara 'oce da me kazni, upucam i njega. Kad iza grma dvoje se sevilo pa me vidjeli kako ubijam sumara. Ja ustrijelim i njih. Kad otuda naidje djacki autobus, pun puncat djece na izletu... - I sta bi, bolan?, izbeci oci Haso 
- Mujo, smanjuj ribu il' pravim masakr! 

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it -Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

http://jarrettjones.com/flash/knowjack.htm   pogledaj i nauci Jack Shitt

Kad Mujo pere ruke: pre pisanja ili posle ? ZA VREME !!!

Sreli se dva jevreja u New York-u. Pita jedan drugoga: "Hi my friend! How are you? Are you happy?" "Yeees! I am happy!" veli drugi. Ovaj ga gleda i ponovo upita: "Are you really happy?" "Yes, I am really happy!" Ponovi mu drugi. "Are you really, really happy?" "Yes I am really, really happy!!!" Onaj prvi ga cudno pogleda i ponovo drugoga upita: "Bist Du gliklih?" "Gliklih??? Neeeein! Gliklih bin I net!"

razgovaraju dva stara jevreja...znas za 10 godina ce obojeni da budu najglavniji na svim polima...kako to mislis...pa Shvarc Grun Weis Blau

Pozali se Shvarc rabinu.Poslao sam sina na skolovanje u Izrael a on se vratio ka hriscanin.Rabin predlozi da se zajedno pomole i zatraze savet.Usled molitve prozbori bog...ne pitajte mene,ne mogu vam pomoci i ja sam poslao sina tamo i isto tako prosao

Zasto plavusa nosi kompjuter u dom zdravlja ? -Da ga vakcinise protiv virusa !

Ukrali Mujo i Suljo helikopter i zabavljaju se oni, kad rece Mujo:
- Jel', Suljo, jel i tebi tako 'ladno kao i meni?
- Jeste. - rece Haso.
- Pa daj onda, bolan, iskljuci taj ventilator!

Dogovorili se Mujo i njegovi jarani da naprave maskenbal. Svi se
maskirali i cekaju Muju. Izasao Mujo potpuno go sa cackalicom u supku.
Pitaju ga oni:
- U sta si se to maskirao?
A Mujo ce:
- Ja sam rahat-lokum!

Vidjela Fata Mujine dobre brkove, pa ga pita dal' moze dobiti jednu
dlaku
za uspomenu. On zavuce ruku u gace i kaze:
- Dok ima u skladistu, ne diraj iz izloga.

Udje slepac u ribarnicu zastade i rece, dobro jutro devojke

Haso i Huso u kafani. Kelner daj dva piva. Nisam ja kelner rece covek, ja sam sef sale. Onda dobro Sale Donesi nam dva piva.

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and in broken English with a heavy Yiddish accent, asks for number "266419". A short time later there's a knock on the door and, when he opens the door, he sees two sexy blondes in skimpy outfits who ask him: "Are you the guy who ordered two shikses for one night?"

Zasto su ozenjeni muskarci uvek deblji od neozenjih ? NEOZENJEN muskarac otvori frizider, kaze: "Opet isto"!, zatvori ga i legne u krevet. OZENJEN muskarac legne u krevet, kaze: "Opet isto"!, ustane iz kreveta i otvori frizider.

Dolazi Mujo kuci i pita zenu:-Fato, bona, dje su nam djeca ? -Na engleskom, Mujo ! -O.K. Where are the children ?

Idu dva starca ulicom i jedan pita drugoga. - "Kako si?" Ovaj odgovara: - "Kako cu biti, bole me kosti, bole me ledja, bole me noge, ruke.....a ti?" - "Ja se osjecam kao novorodjena beba." - "Haj ne seri, kako ko beba?" - "Pa nemam kose, nemam zuba i jutros sam se upiskio."

Zasto plavusa cuti dok vodi ljubav ? Zato sto su je ucili da se ne prica punih usta !

Zasto se u ratnu mornaricu primaju uglavnom neplivaci ? Zato sto ce najduze da brane brod !

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Resili Mujo i fata da vode ljubav, skinuli se, kad Fata rece:- Mujo, necu, mali ti je ! -Ma, Fato, jeste mali al' je zato tehnicar. -Bolan Mujo, mali je pa da je i inzenjer !

Koja je najduza jednosmerna ulica u bivsoj SFRJ: -Cetinje-Dedinje

Umrla Pirocancu tasta, pa je teska srca otisao u oglasno odeljenje novina da izda citulju. Kaze mu salterska sluzbenica: Za novac koji ste dali, imate pravo da dodate jos tri reci. -Odlicno !, rece Pirocanac. Dodajte u tekst: Prodajem polovnog stojadina.

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5765. According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702. This means that for 1,063 years, the Jews went without Chinese food.

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

Do?ao Mujo s Fatom i sinom Mujicom na kupanje na more. Prodje neko vrijeme, a Muji se digne i pita Fatu da je kresne, ali Fata neče dok je mali u blizini i Mujo po?alje Mujicu da skuplja ?koljke po obali. Poslije pola sata vrača se Mujica s punom vrećom ?koljki, a Mujo jo? uvijek na Fati,pa upita mali Muju ?ta to radi. Na to Mujo odgovori: - "Pa zna? da ti mama ne zna plivati pa je moram napumpati prije nego udje u vodu", na ?to Mujica odgovori: - "Ne brini se za to, to je kom?ija Haso več napravio jutros, jo? je pre?ao jezikom preko ventila, da vidi, da li pu?ta zrak!"

Dosao pirocanac kod maticara. Ja bi da promenim prezime i ime mojoj pokojnoj zeni ! Zasto po Bogu covece ? ,pita maticar. Nasao sam jedan sasvim dobar polovan nadgrobni spomenik................

Kada je bog stvarao svijet, odlucio je svakom narodu podariti dvije vrline. 
Tako su svicarci postali precizni i poslusni. 
Japanci radisni i strpljivi. 
Talijani veseli i romanticni. 
Spanjolci temperamentni i ritmicni. 
Kada je dosao do Hrvata, rece andjelu, Hrvati ce biti pametni,dobri ljudi i hadezeovci. 
Nakon zavrsenog posla, pita andjeo: -Boze, svima si dao dvije vrline samo Hrvatima tri. Zar nece tako biti nadmocniji od svih drugih naroda ? 
Bog rece: -Hmm, imas pravo, ali kako se bogom dane vrline ne mogu naknadno ukidati, Hrvati ce ih imati sve tri, ali svaka osoba samo po dvije i tako: -tko je dobar i hadezeovac ne moze biti pametan. -tko je pametan i hadezeovac ne moze biti dobra osoba -tko je dobar i pametan ne moze biti hadezeovac. 
Rijec bozja!

Ide zlo prase kroz sumu i naidje na dobru vilu. Pita ga dobra vila: - "Ko si ti?" - "Ja sam zlo prase!!!" - "E posto si zlo prase, imasĄ pravo samo na jednu zelju." - "Dobro, onda crkni!!!"

Dosao policajac u slasticarnu i pita: "Kakvih kolaca imate"? Prodavac:"Raznih oblika i velicina". Policajac:"Dajte mi dva oblika, i tri velicine". 

Dode crnac sa patkom na ramenu u birtiju. Pita konobar, od kud vam ta zivotinja? Kaze patka, imas ih u africi na svakom cosku. 

Ide Crvenkapica sumom i dodje do kuce svoje bake. Pokuca, a vrata otvori Sandzaklija. Gdje je moja baka, pita crvenkapica, a Sandzo ce: Bogumi djevojko, baka je kucu prodala!

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said. At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday." Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. " You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"

Tucite svoju decu cim primetite da pocinju da lice na vas. Kosutnjak je pun manijaka. Jedni trce za zenama, a drugi bez razloga. Cuvajte se na pesackim prelazima. Ima vozaca kojima je dojadio zivot, samo jos ne znaju ciji. Osnovno skolovanje je obavezno i besplatno. Za dake skoro obavezno, za prosvetne radnike skoro besplatno. Ako resite sve probleme svoje dece, ona nece imati drugih problema sem vas. Ako vec tucete decu, tucite ih bez razloga, jer svi drugi razlozi su gluplji. Beograd je ponovo ogrejalo sunce, jer niko drugi nije hteo. Ima nepodmitljivih ljudi. To su oni od kojih nista ne zavisi. Tucite decu sve dok vam ne priznaju zasto ste ih tukli. Govorite sta hocete, ali pre nego sto donesete odluke, pitajte ipak one koji cute. Ne trcite za zenama, da se ne sudarite sa onima koji od njih beze. Fudbal okuplja dve vrste muskaraca: one koji nemaju devojke i one koji imaju zene

Mrs. Rabinowitz comes to visit her son David for 3 days in New York where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Sarah, a girl roommate. Mrs. Rabinowitz couldn't help but notice how pretty David's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his Mom's thoughts, David volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sarah and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sarah came to David saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write to her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take i! t. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left. Love, David. Several days later, David received a mail from his Mom which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Sarah, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mom.

This story is perhaps a little rough on the noble profession of law: One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

stigao grupni seks u Sarajevo. Okupi se drustvo, ugase svetlo, poskidaju se, navale, pa ko sta dohvati. Tek ti se posle pola sata zacuje Mujin glas: ?Raja, palite svetlo, ovde nesto nije u redu, vec treci put pusim!?.

Za?to plavu?a nosi jogurt oko vrata? 
- Zato ?to na njemu pi?e dukat.

Umrla Mujina zena, i on ode u lokalne novine da izda osmrtnicu. Kad tamo pise "Oglasi do pet rijeci besplatni". Pita ga operater sta da upise u oglas. Veli Mujo: -"Umrla Fata". 
-Ma bolan, pa imas jos tri rijeci besplatno. 
-Dobro, onda pisi: "Umrla Fata. Prodajem Golf dizel".

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Kon ulazi u Grinovu prodavnicu cipela. Grin mu nudi braon cipele. Ovaj proba - sasvim dobro. Posto su? pita Kon. Gospodine ovo su vam cipele za ceo zivot - 300 dolara! Kon plati i ode. Sutradan nakon 10 metara hoda otpadne djon na cipeli. Vraca se besan u radnju i dere se na Grina: Pa sta je ovo ? Nisam prosao 10 metara djon je otpao! A rekli ste da su cipele za ceo zivot ! E moj gospodine, rece Grin, neznate kako ste vi juce izgledali!

Na Ben Gurionu spiker govori preko razglasa: Nadjen je novcanik sa tri hiljade sekela. Molimo sve vlasnike da stanu u red kod saltera 1!

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" 
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." 
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" 
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. 
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" 
"Oh that crazy old coot!" she replied... "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

Lezi Fata u krevetu, a Mujo joj, sav napaljen, prilazi. U jednoj ruci casa vode, u drugoj aspirin... 
Fata: - Sta ti je, ba, Mujo? Sta ce mi aspirin, ne boli me glava!?!? 
Mujo: - E, to sam samo htio da cujem!

Ulazi baba u autobus i kaze kondukteru:
Joj sine, ja stvarno nemam para za autobus, moze jedno jaje?

Kondukter:
Moze baba, ulazi!

Tako baba i drugi dan. Treceg dana isto, a kondukter joj kaze:
Moze baba, ulazi, ali nemoj vise donositi jaja.

Dolazi baba cetvrti dan i u ruci nosi kokosku. Ulazi u autobus i kaze kondukteru:
Mesecna!

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare
seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
On producing her cheaper ticket, the hostess tells the blonde passenger that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for Economy she
is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies once again:
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm
staying just where I am!" Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. 
The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!" The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious. The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft. The flight attendant and co-pilot of course are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss. 
The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

B1: Posalji

S1

Otisao Muja kod jarana iz vojske Lale na par dana. Pokazivao njemu Lala kakvu sve stoku ima, ali najvise se hvalio svinjama, te ovakve su, te onakve, i Mujo odusevljen zamoli Lalu da mu pokloni jednu. Pokloni mu je on i napomene da ako primeti da svinja nece da jede ili pije vode to je znak da svinja trazi vepra. Ode Mujo kuci povede i svinju. Prodje par meseci, jednog jutra kaze Fata Muji: "Bolan Mujo, da nam se nije ona Lalina svinja razbolela, od jutros nece ni da vidi hranu ni da pije vodu?" "Znaci, prij....o joj se!- odgovori Mujo - "Kako cu je sad oterati vepru?" "Sto je ne stavis na kolica, lakse ti je neces je juriti ulicom?- predlozi Fata. Uradi Mujo tako, otera svinju u susedno selo kod poznanika koji je imao dobrog vepra, ovaj odradi svoje i Mujo se vrati kuci, sa nada se, zadovoljnom svinjom. Ujutru, ustao on doruckuje i pita Fatu:"Bolan Fato, jede li ona svinja?" "Jok more, eno je rastuzila se jos vise!" Potera Mujo ponovo svinju, vrati je kuci vec blago iznerviran. Jedva spavao te noci, boli ga kicma i ruke od teglenja svinje u kolicima. Cim je svanulo ustao Mujo i ceka Fatu da se vrati iz stale i podnese raport o svinji. Ulazi Fata a Mujo k'o zapeta puska "Jede li Fato?" "Jok vala." odgovara ona. "Pije li vode?" "Ni to!" "Pa sta radi?" "Eno je Mujo sedi u kolicima i ceka te?"

B1: Posalji

S1

KRAVE U SVETU 
SOCIJALIZAM: Imas 2 krave i 1 das komsiji. KOMUNIZAM: Imas 2 krave.Vlada ti uzme obe i da ti malo mleka. 
FASIZAM: Imas 2 krave.Vlada ti uzme obe i proda ti malo mleka. 
NACIZAM: Imas 2 krave.Vlada ti uzme obe i strelja te. 
BIROKRATIZAM: Imas 2 krave.Vlada ti uzme obe,strelja jednu,preuzme drugu i baci mleko. 
TRDICIONALNI KAPITALIZAM: Imas 2 krave.Prodas jednu i kupis bika.Tvoje stedo se mnozi i prihodi rastu.Prodas ih sve i penzionises se sa velikom zaradom. 
AMERICKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Prodas jednu i teras drugu da proizvodi mleko kao 4 krave.Kasnije unajmis experta da ispita zasto je krava crkla.
FRANCUSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Stupis u strajk zato sto hoces 3 krave.
JAPANSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Redizajniras ih da budu velicine desetog dela obicne krave i da daju dvadeset puta vise mleka.Onda napravis lukav crtani koji nazoves "Kravoman" i reklamiras ih po celom svetu. 
NEMACKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Prepravis ih tako da zive 100 godina,jedu 1 mesecno, same sebe muzu. 
BRITANSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Obe su lude. 
ITALIJANSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave,ali ne znas gde su.Odes na pauzu za rucak. 
RUSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2krave. Prebrojis ih i shvatis da ih ima 5.Ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da ih ima 5.Ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da ih ima 42.Ponovo ih prebrojis i shvatis da imas 2 krave. Prestanes da brojis i otvoris novu flasu vodke.
KINESKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2 krave.Imas 300 ljudi da ih muzu.Tvrdis da je zaposlenost 100 %,visoki prinosi mleka,i uhapsis novinara koji je objavio cifre.
INDIJSKA KORPORACIJA: Imas 2krave.Obozavas ih dok ne krepaju.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam purred. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...?" "No, I must see Natalie," the man insisted. Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1000.00 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000.00 inheritance." MORAL: Some things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by an attorney

NOT COME WORK TODAY!!! Hung Chow calls in to work and says "Hey Boss I not come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The Boss Says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today ! When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours latter Hung Chow calls again "Boss I do what you say and I feel great. I come work soon and Boss.... you have very nice house

Bijeg 
Bjeze otac i sin iz zatvora. 
Sin:- "Sta cemo sad, pada snijeg!?" 
Otac:- "Jebe nam se, imamo lance." 

Latinski 
- Kako se na latinski kaze impotencija? 
- VIDI, MENI, VISI! 

Crnogorski obraz 
Ide Crnogorac kroz sumu sa zenom i sa kuburama za pojasom kad presretnu ih lopovi te Crnogorca svezu za drvo a zenu mu siluju, a zena ko zena sapnu na uho jednom od lopova: - "Taj mi nece oprostiti dok sam ziva za ovo sto ste mi uradili." 
Odvezu Crnogorca pa njega silovase svi redom i pobjegose. Uzvlaci Crnogorac caksire zadijeva ponovo kubure za pojas a zena ce ti njemu: 
- "Kod tolkih tvojih kubura oni jebase i mene i tebe." 
- "Cuti rdjo jadna, ne cuva kubura guzicu vec obraz."

Prilazeci svojim novim kolima koja je parkirao pored pijace, vozac staje kao ukopan: jedan far je potpuno razmrskan, a okolni lim sav ulubljen. Onda primecuje ceduljicu zataknutu ispod brisaca, na kojoj pise: "Pobrkao sam prvu brzinu i rikverc, pa sam dobro tresnuo u vasa kola. Mnogi koji su to videli stoje okupljeni oko mene dok vam ovo pisem. Pretpostavljaju, naravno, da ovde ispisujem svoje ime, adresu, i broj svojih kola. E, pa, varaju se".

On a Canadian TV show, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
 "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
"Number 1 - He played the sax. 
"Number 2 - He smoked weed. "and 
"Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women." 
"Even now - Look at him. His wife works and he don't; and, he gets a check from the government every month."

Pita covek u Podgorici na pijaci prodavacicu: 
- Po?to paprika? 
- Dva eura! 
- A da nijesu mo?da punjene?

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Brooklyn Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." 

South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH > South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" 

South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH > South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." 

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR > South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight...but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" 

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'

South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER > South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." South Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Stephanie goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?" Stephanie replies, "So how about 3 months from now?"

?alje sin majci pismo u Dalmaciju sa dvije vijesti, dobra i lo?a. Prvo dobra: Ostavija san drogu. Lo?a. Ne znan di san je ostavija.

Nakon dugog nagovaranja, muz je odveo zenu na prvu partiju golfa U njenom zivotu, i sto je bilo ocekivano njen prvi udarac je zavrsio u prozoru predivne kuce u blizini golf igralista. Muz je poludeo. - "Upozorio sam te da budes oprezna, sad cemo morati otici tamo, izvinuti se i platiti stetu na prozoru." I tako je par otisao do kuce i pokucao na vrata. Iznutra se zacuo ugodan glas. - "Udjite." Kad su usli imali su sta videti, ne samo da je prozor bio razbijen, i staklo posvuda po podu, nego se razbila i predivna antikna vaza. Na naslonjacu je lezao mladji muskarac. 
- "Da li ste vi par koji je razbio prozor?" - "Da, gospodine, strasno nam je zao." - "Oh, nije se potrebno izvinjavati, zapravo, ja sam Vam vrlo zahvalan. Vidite, ja sam duh i bio sam zarobljen u toj vazi vise od 1000 godina. Sad kad ste me oslobodili, mogu Vam ispuniti tri zelje. Ako vam ne smeta svakome bih ispunio po jednu zelju, a zadnju bih ostavio za sebe." - "Oh, to je odlicno." kaze muz. Razmislio je na trenutak i rekao. - "Zelim milion dolara svake godine do kraja moga zivota." - "Nema problema" rekao je duh, "to je najmanje sto mogu uciniti, uz to garantujem Vam dug i zdrav zivot. A sad vi gospodjo, sto vi zelite?" - "Zelim ogromnu kucu sa slugama u svakoj drzavi na svetu." Kaze ona. - "Racunajte da je sredjeno" kaze duh. "I ne samo to, vas dom ce uvek biti siguran od pozara, provalnika i drugih prirodnih katastrofa." 
- "A sada," kazu muz i zena zajedno, "koja je tvoja zelja?" - "Pa dobro, kako sam bio zarobljen vise od hiljadu godina, moja zelja je da imam sex sa Vasom zenom." Muz pogleda zenu i kaze: - "Pa draga, znas da smo oboje bogati, imamo sve te kuce, sto kazes?" Ona je razmisljala trenutak i rekla. - "Znas, nije mi svejedno, ali s obzirom na sve, mogla bih to podneti, ali sto je s tobom dragi?" - "Draga, znas da te volim." kaze suprug. I tako duh i zena otidju uz stepenice, gdje su proveli ostatak dana uzivajuci jedno u drugom. Duh je bio nezasit. Nakon neka tri sata non-stop sexa, duh se okrene i pogleda zenu direktno u oci. 
- "Koliko godina imate ti i tvoj muz?" upita. - "Pa oboje imamo oko 35 godina." odgovori zena. 
- "Bez zajebancije, 35 godina i jos oboje verujete u duhove?"

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