For all those men who are forced to go shopping with wives when they'd rather stay home and watch TV or just veg out, here's one way to amuse yourself at the store and make sure you won't have to go back: Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!" 

* * * When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose?
* * * Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 
* * * My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. 
* * * Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 
* * * There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together. 
* * * Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 
* * * I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 
* * * Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 
* * * Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under 
* * * Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 
* * * Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. 
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side. " The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." 

* * * There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again, the farmer thought this was ! cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said, "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him. 

* * * Moishe one fine afternoon takes a walk in the forest near his home. After a while he has to relieve himself. This he does by squatting behind some bushes. There is no toilet paper so ( YOU should excuse him) he wipes himself with some nearby leaves. After a while his backside begins to itch unbearably. Moishe quickly returns home calls a taxi and goes to the doctor. "Moishe, I got some bad news. You appear to have wiped yourself with poison ivy," says the doctor. "Oh my G-d what am I going to do?" cries Moishe. The itching is driving me crazy." "Don't worry", counsels the doctor. Here is some Medicated Powder. "Go home and put one packet in a gallon of warm water and soak your bottom in it for thirty minutes every four hours. It will take the itching away." Moishe goes home and puts a packet of powder into a warm pot of water. He places this in the center of the kitchen floor and sits in it as ordered. After a short while his wife Sarah comes home and starts to scream at the sight of him sitting naked in a pot in the middle of the kitchen floor. "Moishe bist meshuga? Vos tist du? Vos tist du?" Moishe screams back trying to explain: the woods, the leaves, the doctor, the poison ivy, the powder etc etc. "Ivy shmyvy", she screams back. "Nem aroyse dien fleischedickeh toochess fun der milichdickeh tepple." [What's gotten Sarah is that Moishe has his meaty ass in a milk dish.] 

* * * A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg , but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 

* * * A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 

* * * Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was still good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman, Mabel, said that her sex life was still wonderful. "The secret to great sex is this: When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When her husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, Ethel takes off all her clothes. Although it's quite a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom... With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells: "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!" 

Smart Teacher A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "Have you considered trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem -- there's away around that," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee -- he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went. "Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!" "What happened?" asks the doctor, aghast. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!" "What was horrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not fulfilling?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. But I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks coffee house again!"

Taman sam sjeo na skoljku kad sam zacuo glas iz druge kabine: "Hej, kako si?" Nisam bas tip koji zapocinje konverzaciju u muskom WC-u ali ne znam sto me snaslo, pa sam odgovorio, pomalo sramezljivo, "Ide, dobro!" A drugi tip je upitao: "I, cime se bavis?" Kakvo je to pitanje? U tom sam trenutku pomislio da je vrlo bizarno, pa sam odgovorio: "Uhhh, putujem, bas kao i ti!" Tada sam pokusao izaci sto je moguce prije, ali sam zacuo sljedece pitanje: "Mogu li doci kod tebe?" OK, ovo je pitanje ipak previse nastrano za mene, ali sam skuzio da mogu samo biti pristojan i zavrsiti razgovor. Rekao sam mu: "Ne........trenutno sam zauzet necim!!!" Tada zacuh tipa, nervoznog... "Cuj, Nazvat cu te kasnije. U susjednoj kabini je neki idiot koji ogovara na sva moja pitanja!!!"

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares," Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!". "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

idu dvije dlake ulicom jednu udari auto a druga će za dlaku me udarilo

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 95 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Texas Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 135 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is my birthday, so I'm in a pretty good mood. Considering that you stopped for me, if you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day".

Saraj'vo, kafana. Sede i politiziraju Musliman, Hrvat i Srbin. Deru se: ti s' ubio tol'ko, ovaj tol'ko, ti si silovao i tome slicno. Mujo konobar brise case za sankom. Odjednom ulazi jedan Unproforac u koznom mantilu, a Mujo ce: Ajmo malo o picki, ajmo malo o picki !!!!!

Zaustavlja čovjek pandura na ulici i pita ga:
- Iiiiizviinite, ggggdje ssse ooovdje nnnnalazi šššššškola za mmmucanje? 
A pandur će:
- Šta će ti škola, super mucaš!

Mujo sretne Hasu i veli mu:
- E, bolan, Haso, ja sam se zaštitio od AIDSA sto posto. Stalno nosim
kurton. Skidam ga samo kad pišam i kad jebem!

Zaposlio se Mujo u Centra-Transu kao vozač autobusa. Na raspodjeli zadataka,
šef mu reče:
- Mujo, moraćeš i voziti i naplaćivati karte.
Mujo kaže:
- Nema problema.
Isti dan strmopizdio se u neku provaliju i skršio autobus u komade. Došao
šef u bolnicu da ga obiđe i pita ga kako je došlo do udesa. Mujo veli:
- Nemam ti ja blage veze, ja sam bio u zadnjem dijelu i naplaćivao karte.

Pecao Mujo, i nakon nekog vremena uhvati on zlatnu ribicu! Kaže ona njemu:
- Mujo, pusti me, pusti me, i ispuniću ti želju!!!
A Mujo će njoj:
- Ma daj, ne seri!
I umre ribica od začepljenja crijeva.


Ušao Crnogorac u ženski WC ne bi li se popišao, kad ulazi jedna žena i
kaže:
- Životinjo!
A na to će Crnogorac:
- Ne brinite, gospođo, držim ga za glavu.


Krenula Fata Muji u bolnicu, sjela u taksi, ali je u brzini zaboravila
novčanik. Sva zbunjena zamoli taksista da se vrati jer nema love. Taksist
kaže da to nije neki problem jer vožnju može platiti tako što će mu
otpjevati jednu pesmu ili mu 'dati'. Kad je došla u bolnicu, ispriča Muji
što joj se desilo. Na to će Mujo:
- Matere ti, koju si mu pjesmu otpjevala?
- Pa zar ti misliš da je meni do pjesme dok si mi ti u bolnici?


Došao Mujo u birtiju i čitavo veče časti raju:
- Konobar, piće meni, piće tebi, piće cijeloj kafani.
I tako tura za turom. Došao fajront - konobar da naplati, al' Mujo nema ni
dinara. I što će, konobar ga izbuba i izbaci na ulicu. Sutra uvečer, opet
ista scena.
- Konobar, piće meni, piće tebi, piće celoj kafani.
Opet kad je došao račun, Mujo nema ni kinte. Konobar ga izbaci sve s noge na
nogu. Sutra uvečer došao Mujo i kaže:
- Konobar, piće meni, piće celoj kafani!
- A što je sa mnom? - pita konobar.
- Nema tebi - kaže Mujo - gadan si kad popiješ!


Jidish: 
Hello, is this the Levy residence?" "Aha. Mit whom you vish to speak?" "Is Mr. Levy there?" "Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voikink." "Is Thelma at home?" "In school is Thelma." "Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?" Harry? In colletch is Harry. He should be a doctor." "I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?" "Mrs. levy, she's shoppink in de supermokkit." "Well, who is this?" "Dis? Dis is Daisy, de schvartze!"

Došao Mujo s Fatom u London. Uzeli taxi do hotela i pošto je vožnja duže trajala taksista se raspriča. * "Where are you from?" - upita on. * "We are from Bosnia." - odgovori Mujo * "Šta kaže?" - pita Fata. * "Pitao me odakle smo i ja mu odgovorio da smo iz Bosne!" - odgovori Mujo. Nakon izvesnog vremena upita taksista ponovo: * "And where do you live in Bosnia?" * "We live in Sarajevo." - odgovori Mujo. * "Šta kaže?" - pita Fata. * "Pitao me gdje u Bosni živimo i ja mu rekao u Sarajevu!" - odgovori Mujo * "Oh, my God, in Sarajevo?! There I had the worst fuck in my life!" - reče taksista. * "Šta kaže?" - upita Fata * "Kaže da te poznaje!" - odgovori Mujo

Kaze doktor Muji: "Mujo, živjet ceš još godinu dana!" "A od cega, matere ti?"

Pita Fata Muju: - Sto je to situacija? - Situacija ti je kada ti mene zateknes u krevetu s drugom zenom - kaze Mujo. - Znaci, kao kad ti mene zateknes u krevetu s drugim? - Fato! Nemoj mi bona mijesati situaciju i batine!

Dodje mala Nefertiti u skolu, uciteljica kaze: - Hajde, izvadite tablice, grebacemo diktat. Mali Egipcani izvade tablice i uciteljica pocne: - A sad pisite: Nas bog Amon Raa je jako prepotentan... Mala Nefertiti digne ruku : - Izvinite uciteljice, izostala sam 5 dana iz skole, pa ne znam da li se "prepotentan" pise sa dva ili tri kurca?

Seta se Mujo pokraj rijeke i ugleda kako se jedan covjek bacio s mosta. Oni skoci za njim u vodu i spasi ga. Ali covjek se opet zaleti i baci se uvodu a Mujo ga opet spasi. Covjek vise ocajan odluci da se objesi a Mujo nista. U tom jedan prolaznik pita Muju: - "Spasio si ga 2 puta, sto si ga sad pustio da se objesi?" A Mujo ce njemu: - "Pusti covjeka nek se cijedi."

Ufati Huso sa Fatom i Malim Mujicom zlatnu ribicu. Pusti me, da ispunim trio zelje. Huso pusti i pita Mujicu: Sta bi ti ceo? Ja bi jednog cuku !!!!! Ma, jebo ti cuko mater! viknu Huso. Skidaj tog cuku sa me - vristi Fata !

Job Stress Remedy... When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out aloud five times: "I am sooo glad do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

baba pred samrti zeli poslednji sex.I tako baba zove Zigola crewa iz novog beograda . Dolazi on kod nje uhvati da odradi posao .Posle loseg sexa kaze zigolo baba nesto tesko ide, i ode on .Zove ga baba sutra ponovo i doodje on .Uhvati on ponovo babu i baba sva klizi u i ulazi i izlazi glatko.Pita on babu posle sexa kako je to moguce . kad kaze baba " POSLE KRASTE UVEK IDE GNOJ "

Bosansko more. Neum, prepuna plaza. Mali Esad otplivao dosta daleko od obale. Ustane njegova mama i vikne: "Esade nemoj plivati tako daleko! Mog'o bi te grc uhvatit!" Par sekundi kasnije ustane jedna druga zena i vikne svom sinu: "Samire, ne idi tako daleko, tamo ima grceva!"

Sex je upornost,snaga izdrzljivost.Rece mrav i podize prvi par nogu stonogi !

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly-dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi." She looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it." He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Boy who failed maths....a message for my children.... 
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing mathematics. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, not to mention summer school-all to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused, and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For two hours he toiled away in his room - with mathematics books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw the letter 'A' under the subject of Mathematics. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "Better textbooks? teachers? curriculum?" "No," said the son, "on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" 
pozdrav iz Melburna - Ivan

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